Wednesday, 28 June 2017

June 24, 2017
I woke up this morning
but you were not here

I woke up this morning thinking about cooking pancakes and bacon for breakfast
but you are not here to enjoy

I woke up this morning
with an emptiness I can't fill

I woke up and you did not

I feel you in my heart and while my soul rages with confusion

I long for the day I wake up again with you there

"Goodbye is not forever, goodbye is not the end. It simply means we miss you, until we meet again."

June 26, 2017
Mackenzie said you visited her again. She heard you breathing in her room when she went to bed. I think you are there when I wake up at 3 am. I wish you were here physically when we feel your presence. 

June 27, 2017
Yet another goodbye is near and I feel the lump in my throat again. It has only been a few short weeks since we said goodbye to Xavier's home and a few weeks before we said goodbye to him. I have had to say goodbye to my work and this week we say goodbye to Algonquin School. I loved that school and so did Xavier. So many big changes in so little time has been overwhelming to say the least. 

We are heading into the second month without Xavier and I still cry everyday at least once for him. I miss him so much and long for him with an indescribable yearning. My heart is broken and moving on without him seems so wrong. I feel if life doesn't go anywhere it will still feel a little more like he is here ... I don't have to accept he is gone.  To live again when he can't alongside us brings me feelings of guilt, anger and sadness. He is supposed to be here. He is supposed to finish Grade 2 with his class at Algonquin tomorrow. 

But I know it has been hard for Mackenzie. Her grief is coming out more and going to school every day without her brother has brought up a lot of pain. For a while it could have simply felt like he was just in the hospital, or gone to appointments. But the longer without him in class, in the car on our drives there, the more she realizes he is gone forever. 

I wish so much I could take away her pain. But like all of us, we must feel it to get through it. And she is smart. She told me how the cord of love she shares with Xavier can never be broken. It stretches all the way from here to where he is in Heaven. The love never dies. His death has brought out a side of her I never knew she had. It's truly beautiful and soulful like him. 

June 28, 2017 
I feel so much more guilt now. I feel so bad that I couldn't protect him or save him from this disease. I let him down. I couldn't make him better. I couldn't give him what he wanted most - to be a normal kid- to provide for him as only a mother can and now I have lost my chance to even try. I trust God has given him his wish, as only He had the power to give Xavier that. Albeit his doctors tried and still tell us to this day how heartbroken they are that they could not have given us longer with him. 

How is it fair that we get to live and he doesn't? Why do we have to live in separate worlds now? I know the Bible says he will not miss us like we are missing him, and I pray to God that is true.

I am so thankful for all of the memories we were able to make with Xavier. However, somedays I struggle to remember the details. Sometimes I can only remember the feeling he and I shared in a particular moment. That boy and I shared a special connection in that we didn't need words. We knew exactly what each other was thinking or feeling with only a simple glance. And if Mackenzie is right and that cord still connects us between Heaven and Earth, then I am sending him all my love forever and ever.

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