Wednesday, 28 June 2017

June 24, 2017
I woke up this morning
but you were not here

I woke up this morning thinking about cooking pancakes and bacon for breakfast
but you are not here to enjoy

I woke up this morning
with an emptiness I can't fill

I woke up and you did not

I feel you in my heart and while my soul rages with confusion

I long for the day I wake up again with you there

"Goodbye is not forever, goodbye is not the end. It simply means we miss you, until we meet again."

June 26, 2017
Mackenzie said you visited her again. She heard you breathing in her room when she went to bed. I think you are there when I wake up at 3 am. I wish you were here physically when we feel your presence. 

June 27, 2017
Yet another goodbye is near and I feel the lump in my throat again. It has only been a few short weeks since we said goodbye to Xavier's home and a few weeks before we said goodbye to him. I have had to say goodbye to my work and this week we say goodbye to Algonquin School. I loved that school and so did Xavier. So many big changes in so little time has been overwhelming to say the least. 

We are heading into the second month without Xavier and I still cry everyday at least once for him. I miss him so much and long for him with an indescribable yearning. My heart is broken and moving on without him seems so wrong. I feel if life doesn't go anywhere it will still feel a little more like he is here ... I don't have to accept he is gone.  To live again when he can't alongside us brings me feelings of guilt, anger and sadness. He is supposed to be here. He is supposed to finish Grade 2 with his class at Algonquin tomorrow. 

But I know it has been hard for Mackenzie. Her grief is coming out more and going to school every day without her brother has brought up a lot of pain. For a while it could have simply felt like he was just in the hospital, or gone to appointments. But the longer without him in class, in the car on our drives there, the more she realizes he is gone forever. 

I wish so much I could take away her pain. But like all of us, we must feel it to get through it. And she is smart. She told me how the cord of love she shares with Xavier can never be broken. It stretches all the way from here to where he is in Heaven. The love never dies. His death has brought out a side of her I never knew she had. It's truly beautiful and soulful like him. 

June 28, 2017 
I feel so much more guilt now. I feel so bad that I couldn't protect him or save him from this disease. I let him down. I couldn't make him better. I couldn't give him what he wanted most - to be a normal kid- to provide for him as only a mother can and now I have lost my chance to even try. I trust God has given him his wish, as only He had the power to give Xavier that. Albeit his doctors tried and still tell us to this day how heartbroken they are that they could not have given us longer with him. 

How is it fair that we get to live and he doesn't? Why do we have to live in separate worlds now? I know the Bible says he will not miss us like we are missing him, and I pray to God that is true.

I am so thankful for all of the memories we were able to make with Xavier. However, somedays I struggle to remember the details. Sometimes I can only remember the feeling he and I shared in a particular moment. That boy and I shared a special connection in that we didn't need words. We knew exactly what each other was thinking or feeling with only a simple glance. And if Mackenzie is right and that cord still connects us between Heaven and Earth, then I am sending him all my love forever and ever.

Friday, 23 June 2017

Diary of a grieving Mom: Searching

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18 

My grief has now taken residence and settled into every inch of my aching body. Physically I am weak, emotionally I am weak and yet I go about my days as if I am OK. But I am not OK.

Today we closed the door on the home Xavier spent most of his life; the last place he was ever alive. We walked in that door six years ago as a family of four and walked out that door a family of three. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It's not right.

I feel so lost and so empty without you Xavier. I know I will see you again some day but I don't want to live all these days here without you. I have nothing left in me. I want to fix things... take away others pain, give Mackenzie back the twin brother she is supposed to have. But I can't. Everything is out of my control.

This helplessness and hopelessness is growing stronger the more days without my sweet child. As I long for you, I came across this verse above. It made me think of today when we closed that door and reminded me of where we are today. You are eternal, you are living even though I can't see you.

The eyes tell the story

June 20, 2017
There once was a time when my son's cobalt blue eyes sparkled. You could see them light up every time he looked at you. They were big, bright and ever so blue.

This light even shone in pictures of him. You couldn't help but catch a glimpse of his sweet soul in his eyes. These smiling eyes were a testament to the love and joy within him.

There once was a time when my eyes lit up with the light of Xavier's life. They sparkled a most magnificent blue. Whenever I was with him, my eyes told a story of extraordinary love. They glistened in the warm sun, mimicking Xavier's smiling eyes.

Then one day his blue eyes turned a grey. The soft beautiful backlight that made his eyes so full of life had faded. The light of his life went out. When I looked into his eyes, they were empty. Although he still opened them and loving looked into mine, I could tell there was nothing left. No excitement, no smiles, no joy left in those beautiful blue eyes.

After his eyes closed never to open again, my eyes went grey. All of the amazing colour our lives together had painted were washed away by my tears. There was no excitement, no smiles and no joy left in my blue eyes.

I look at my tired eyes in the mirror and see only pain.

June 22, 2017 
I did a little test today to confirm what I experienced the night of Xavier's death was truly a phenomena.

On the night of May 13, there was no storm, no rain, no reason for the power to go out. But it did. It flickered, shutting off the fan blowing on us as well as my computer. But at least 20 minutes later my computer, which I could see clearly from where we had set up Xavier's bed, turned itself back on to display my magazine masthead Inspire.

Today, our power flickered during a heavy rainstorm (which is not unusual). But I had been working on my computer and it shut down. So I waited. I waited for it to come back on like it had that night. If that's what it does normally, than it should do it again. But after an hour of waiting, it did not restart like the night Xavier died.

This further proves my own belief that this had been a sign. That we were not alone in the room when Xavier passed.

It has been said that electricity and spiritual energy are of a very similar vibrational energy. And while I don't believe in ghosts per se, I do believe Jesus or someone sent from God come to lead our loved ones to Paradise. The Holy Spirit was there and took my precious boy home.

June 23, 2017
Thank you Xavier for yet another sign. I needed you, I called for you and you sent me a baby robin again. I love you.

Monday, 12 June 2017

One Month ago I said goodbye

One month
Tomorrow will mark one month since you left us. It still feels like yesterday. I am having a harder time now accepting that you are gone. I looked at some pictures and video of you just one week before you died. I never would have guessed you would be gone 7 days later. You were happy. You looked good and we had moments of the old Xavier back. 
To think of those days makes it so hard to believe you were so sick that you would take your last breath so soon. To me you were still perfect and there was still hope for recovery or at least that you wouldn't get any worse. I miss you so much Xavier. Hearing your sweet voice only makes me cry more for you, miss you deeper and feel the hurt of the hole in my heart more. Our lives were so much better because of you. 
My selfishness wanted to keep you here no matter how many more surgeries, treatments and disabilities you had. You were still my sweet child I could snuggle and watch sleep at night. 
Now I kiss your urn and say goodnight to only a picture of you. 
But I know in my heart you would have stayed and fought if you could. I know deep down how much you wanted no more of the pain, the side effects and inability to be a normal kid. Keeping you here would have made our pain less but, would have made so much more for you. Especially if the doctors were right that it was the cancer that came back and not just the radiation necrosis we had so hoped would heal. 
Our 7 years together was full of so many ups and down but now the scales have tipped. You now have gone up ... up to a place so beautiful, so perfect and so amazing we can't even imagine. We are down... down here on Earth to grieve because we loved you so much. 
If only we could turn back time and rewrite the ending where there is no ending. 
It's not fair, it's not right I repeat over and over again. This hole in my heart is there to stay. But maybe,  just maybe this is a glimpse of the pain you held inside you as you grieved the life you were robbed of by this cancer. 
Some nights as I lay there crying I can almost feel you touch the top of my head and mess up my hair like you did to make me smile and stop crying. You never liked to see me cry unless we cried together. Those moments were so precious and I only wish you could be here to cry with me now. 

Monday, 5 June 2017

Living without You: Diary of a grieving Mom (2)


Today is your 8th birthday! It is the first birthday Mackenzie will celebrate without her twin brother.
On May 31, 2009, two beautiful babies entered the world. For seven years we celebrated your birthdays together. Today I celebrate with one here and one in Heaven. Today I can only give one of my babies their birthday hugs and kisses. It just doesn't feel right. Half of you is missing.

It hurts beyond words that I can't hug or kiss you and tell you happy birthday. You left too soon and my heart aches for you every day. I would give anything to hold you again. To see your sweet smile and hear your voice even if all you said was poop! 
I love you Xavier. We miss you so much. 
I ask God for strength every night to get through the next day without you. 
The joy you brought to this family is irreplaceable.
At times I feel like I can't go on. I can't live without you and will never get through this. If I could ask God for anything it would be that I could visit you or you could visit me. Why must we be separated until I die. I know you are in my heart but it doesn't replace the you I knew here on earth. 
I am always waiting to see you. Waiting to hear your voice see a sign or feel your touch. 
Things seem so hard to remember right now. I have only silly little memories and feelings of you until Something reminds me of you. Like last nights supper full of your favs ...broccoli carrots and cucumbers! 
Your cute wiggle and head nod when you sang I am sexy and I know it! 
I loved reading with you. You were such a great little reader. Your pigeon books were my fav when you read them to me. 

Eulogy: You were always an angle sent from heaven on the day you were born. An angel who chose us. Sent here to take the name Xavier. You were given the sweetest smile and bluest of eyes that when we looked into them I could see your beautiful old soul. 
I knew you were special. Too special too perfect for this life on earth. There was something different about, a feeling a connection that just can't be explained. I know now it's because you weren't just a boy, you were an angel sent from God to bless our family. You had a purpose and accomplished all you were meant to do to be in that short 7 years. 

You were a boy who knew what you wanted and weren't afraid to say it. I will always remember your love of shoes and how you were my personal fashion consultant. You would tell it to my straight if my outfit looked good or not ... I took direction from you because I knew you knew better. You were not shy to tell me you didn't like my dark hair. Lol 

The things you said were not something a typical 7 would say. I could talk to you on a deeper level deeper than anyone else on this earth. 

We let the arms of a community wrap around you for you to experience so much of the world in such a short time. We didn't let it stop us from showing you off and sharing special time with so many people. You brought some of them to us for strength and support and will forever be our friends. You wanted more than you could have here and it would have been selfish to keep you here. Instead we let you fly the way you could on earth until you couldn't and set you free to heaven where you can do everything you want to do. From babysitters to teachers to doctors and therapists you made a mark on their hearts. It is truly amazing how many hearts you stole in you short life and leaves such and impact a legacy behind. 

I can't believe you are gone. I don't want to believe you are gone. I try not to think of all the things I can't feel or do or hear with you as the pain and heartache is unbearable. To never hear you say I love you or have you take my hand brings me tears I cannot stop. But I have our special memories and feelings in my heart. I remember how you said that's a hustle sweetheart from the bunny in Zootopia. It was the most adorable thing ever and you were so shy to do it but when you did it brought so much joy to us. 

Hope is not lost now that you are gone. Xavier's Hope means so much more than I had initially thought. Hope stretches beyond our physical presence. 
The hope we had when Xavier was still alive has only changed shape as did his body. 
We have hope he is in paradise enjoying everything he wasn't able to do here. We have hope we will see him again. And hope that a cure is found so that no child no family will have to go through what he did. We have hope in renewed relationships with my husband and daughter all because of Xavier. 
I have hope that someday we will feel joy again. 

I feel like I was just getting started to know you to really know you. I still feel there was so much I didn't know. I wanted to be in your head to know what made you scared and how you really thought about your cancer. I will never know what you wanted to be when you grew up, if you would marry Cari. 

June 1: Moving day is tomorrow. Today was hard. I couldn't help but cry at so many things like the rug I remember you lying on crying as you tried so hard to get up off the floor yourself and couldn't. I saw that day how much you were suffering. I laid on that spot today and cried for you Xavier. I ran my hand over the carpet where your tears dropped. 
Then we finally had to unmake your bed... the spot where you lived and died. I held your pillow crying. I wished so much that it was you I was holding. 
Leaving this house ... the last place you were and ever will be rips me apart. 
Your full belly laughs are sealed in these walls, your secrets to your sister locked in the floorboards. 
I refuse to think that it's only the three of us going to our new house. You have to come too. I will hold your hand or carry you like I always did through the front door of the new place even if I can't feel you in my arms. I want you there. It won't be home until I know you are there.