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Showing posts from December, 2018

I am trying...

This year I am really trying to put the Merry back in Christmas. I fought through the tears to decorate the house. I found the energy to bring back the Elf on the Shelf and I attempted to decorate the Christmas tree this year.  I even went shopping for gifts on several occasions. I did none of these things last year. But still, I struggle. The countdown on our chalkboard says three days till Christmas, but it still feels like any other day. I still cry, I still hurt and I still yearn for the days when we spent Christmas altogether. The Christmases where my son could lick the spoon from my Christmas baking and hang up his own ornaments and unwrap his gifts. The mornings where Mackenzie and Xavier would race out of bed to find Ginger, yelling at each other not to find him before the other. I tell myself every day to be thankful for what I have. But still, I struggle. There were months where I could fall asleep easily and slept through the night. But for whatever reason, my peac

An open letter to my friends

Dear Friend,   First and foremost, thank you for being my friend. I am incredibly lucky to have such an amazing group of people who are of no relation to me who care so deeply about my wellbeing, not because it’s expected of them, but because you choose to love me.  And it is out of that deep mutual respect we have for one another that I am reaching out with a letter to say, I am sorry. I am sorry I have been a shitty friend. I am sorry I haven’t been there for you like you have been for me when Xavier died. I am sorry I don’t call, I don’t text and I don’t visit.  And as much as I would like to say I will do better now, I can’t make any promises. Please forgive me for my honesty. But because you are my friend, I know you understand I am just being genuine and giving you my no-bullshit, just-the-truth explanation.  I am grieving. Yup, I said it and even as I write it, it too sounds like a lame excuse for my less-than-perfect behaviour. Now almost 20 months after Xa