Monday, 13 July 2015

Back to kindergarten

Today was tough.
Today was my first day back to work after spending the last 2.5 months caring for my most prized possessions: my children. But now after another devastating round with cancer, it's time for our family to try to find our new normal again. But it's hard. We never had "normal". I guess it's our own definition of normal, just like each and every other family out there. 

But today was tough. 
Today I had to walk away from my children's tears and go back to what was routine before April 30th happened. My heart sank and my own eyes welled as I drove away waving like a panicked swimmer in shark-ridden waters. It was the first day of kindergarten for us all over again. 

Except today was tougher. 
Today my children were still suffering from the scars left from a month of unusual terminology, strange places and people who cut other people open but are called heroes for doing so. A confusing time for two six-year-olds. It was unlike the two children I left at school two years ago - two kids with aspiring minds, busy hands and no worry.

Today was tough. 
I know my kids have had to grow up way too fast with the situation we have been given. They have learned far too early about worry, about fear and about death. But at the same time they have gained immense strength with their knowledge and an appreciation for things far beyond a regular six-year-old. The lessons they have learned I hope will carry them far into the future. 

Tomorrow will be better. 
As we settle back into our normal routines, so too will all of our emotions. With a little extra tender loving care each day, the pain shall pass. Our memory will fade. And our hearts will heal. 

Tomorrow is better. 
With each passing day, it is another victory. It is another day Xavier has survived cancer and another day we have had to make happy memories. It's no use to stay in the past or look too far into the future without coming back to the present. To appreciate every day you have. These experiences, as terrible as they are and as unfair as them seem, are an eye opener. A second chance at making life the way it should be - refocuses me on what's really important. Everyone should have an opportunity to re-evaluate how you live your life; are you doing what you want, are you still following your goals and on track with the person you wanted to become? And I don't mean the big house you have or the nice sports car in the garage; it's deeper. Are you happy inside? 

Today was rough, but tomorrow is better. 

Sunday, 5 July 2015

A loss for words...

I am a writer. But I am at a loss for words
This journey has filled me with emotion
trapped inside, not yet able to escape

There have been glimpses of the flood ahead
A trickle through the cracks
But the gates have not opened

I cannot find words for what haunts me inside
This journey has been lived once before
and will again, not an end in sight

There have been glimpses of the flood ahead
A trickle through the cracks
But the gates have not opened

Forever will I fear the unspoken words
This journey has brought upon our lives
in every day, not a rest to be had

Until the gates open

There is hope in the flood.
A current so strong
all fear washed away
This journey has a purpose
A plan so perfect not yet able to comprehend