The Book of Me

Xavier, I miss everything about you. Some days have been easier but then there are days and weeks where it’s really hard again. It hits me again like I almost don’t believe it’s real, and I question is this really my life? It's a reality I am not willing to accept yet. I want you in my life ...physically. I want to see my twins grow up together and not wonder at each milestone what you would have looked like or wanted or achieved... the list goes on. I hate pretending and I hate that people don’t understand. They don’t see how I miss you from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Even though we have new routines now I still remember and yearn for our old ways. When I had two kids to get ready for school. When I had two kids to put to bed. Two lunches and two birthday presents. Until I don't and I go a day where I was so busy that I didn't think about you. And then the guilt... the fear that I may actually forget you in our day to day life. I try to be po