Grief is forever. Grief is forever. Grief is forever. You get that yet. I am still trying to accept this myself. Today is the 11th anniversary of Xavier’s tumour diagnosis and I am still crying at the thought of us rushing him to McMaster hospital for emergency brain surgery. Some years this day and those that follow go by without a thought. Other years like 2021, it is a painful time of remembrance. I picture my sweet little baby laying on an operating table for 12 hours. His tiny fingers and toes limp with anesthesia under bright surgical lights. That moment I last kissed his soft round head before it was cut apart. The trauma lives within me. Xavier has been gone almost four years now and over a decade since his diagnosis. But I still grieve. I grieve the day that changed our family’s life forever. I grieve the life he should have lived had he not had cancer and the life my daughter, his twin should have lived. Maybe it’s PTSD but I can still feel the pain and the fear of this
A journal of my life and the stories of those around me. A novel in the making.