The Book of Me

Anyone can have it.   I go through most days not realizing I suffer until a day like today.  To most it may sound ridiculous, but our dog Charlie was spayed today. Surgery.  Seeing her drugged up then puke was a trigger. My mind immediately went back to Xavier.  The vivid memories of bringing him home after surgeries. He puked … a lot and wouldn’t stop and it only made his head pound more after brain surgery. I see myself holding a wash cloth on his head and a bucket in front of him as I dial 911. I was alone and there was no way I could leave him in the backseat while I drove him to emerg.  He was in so much pain. I was scared so scared but at the time I couldn’t let my emotions out. I never did in the moment. I only acted.  Maybe I wasn’t compassionate enough during those times as I suppressed the pain. But now I feel it.  I am sobbing in the bath tub trying not to think about this experience but it won’t stop playing in my head. I feel my breathing get heavier and the emotions I sho