Sometimes I am not OK

Anyone can have it. 

I go through most days not realizing I suffer until a day like today. 

To most it may sound ridiculous, but our dog Charlie was spayed today. Surgery. 

Seeing her drugged up then puke was a trigger. My mind immediately went back to Xavier. 

The vivid memories of bringing him home after surgeries. He puked … a lot and wouldn’t stop and it only made his head pound more after brain surgery. I see myself holding a wash cloth on his head and a bucket in front of him as I dial 911. I was alone and there was no way I could leave him in the backseat while I drove him to emerg. 

He was in so much pain. I was scared so scared but at the time I couldn’t let my emotions out. I never did in the moment. I only acted. 

Maybe I wasn’t compassionate enough during those times as I suppressed the pain. But now I feel it. 

I am sobbing in the bath tub trying not to think about this experience but it won’t stop playing in my head. I feel my breathing get heavier and the emotions I should have felt them course through me like water through a fire house. 

 I know the only way to work through this is to feel it so that’s why I write. It has to be 5 or 6 years ago yet the feelings gush out of me like blood from a brand new wound. 

I question if I did enough. So often I remember pushing these feelings down (there are lots when you go through 7 years of repeated medical trauma). I could let myself believe he was hurting too much or I would break. I just prayed the medication was always working just enough to numb him so I could stay numb. I had to believe it or else I couldn’t be strong for him. 

Now I can’t. 

I never know when or what will trigger me. It happens more often than anyone knows,  but I cope. I tell someone (usually) my hubby and I let myself cry until I can’t anymore. 

Sometimes the memories need help to digest, so I see my wonderful therapist who helps me chew them up. 

That’s how I survive. It’s because of these supports that I keep on living and building a life with only memories of Xavier. Good and bad. They are part of this journey.