I approach 2018 with so many mixed emotions.
This year has been hell on Earth. The pain and heartache of losing Xavier will forever be how we remember 2017.
But leaving this year and starting anew fills me with an overwhelming sadness. To say goodbye to this awful year is to also say goodbye to the last year I will ever see Xavier alive. He lived in 2017. I have memories we made together in 2017.
Next year I will have none. He will not lived a day in 2018.
New Year’s is one more piercing stab of reality he is gone.
2017 was the worst year of my life, yet I want to hang onto it forever.
Hidden within the brokenness of 2017 was also a year of immeasurable growth: growth in my faith, my spirituality and my awareness of who I really am.
I lost my son and found insight. Things I had been searching for in my life and trying to make sense of suddenly became clear. I found strength I never knew existed, I found love at depths never experienced before and I found myself.
And it is for those reasons, for the growth I gained in 2017 that I will look at 2018 with a hopeful heart. I will seek opportunities to use what I learned, and honour Xavier as I do so. His guiding light will carry hope for us all into the New Year!