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I miss you...


Xavier,
I miss everything about you. Some days have been easier but then there are days and weeks where it’s really hard again. It hits me again like I almost don’t believe it’s real, and I question is this really my life? It's a reality I am not willing to accept yet.

I want you in my life ...physically. I want to see my twins grow up together and not wonder at each milestone what you would have looked like or wanted or achieved... the list goes on. I hate pretending and I hate that people don’t understand. They don’t see how I miss you from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Even though we have new routines now I still remember and yearn for our old ways. When I had two kids to get ready for school. When I had two kids to put to bed. Two lunches and two birthday presents. Until I don't and I go a day where I was so busy that I didn't think about you. And then the guilt... the fear that I may actually forget you in our day to day life.

I try to be positive and look at what we have done since you left ... But all that is nothing compared to the moments we would have had with you still here. They all would be replaced with memories you were a part of. I can only fight off the pain for so long before I become numb and then it hits like a hammer again.

I miss being your mom. I miss being your caregiver. I miss my life with you. I miss you.

You brought something special to our lives that only you could bring. And now that’s gone and all we are left with is a void. A place where all our what ifs and questions about who you would become are. Two years and I am still begging for you to come back. Imagining life with you more than without you. Some days I can’t help but resist the way it is. I don’t want to live without you. I don’t want to watch Mackenzie grow up without you. She needs you and we do too.
I am still haunted by so many horrible memories of our journey... the pain I couldn't stop, and your fear of never getting better.  Surgeries and hospital stays right down to your last days. I struggle with guilt and with the trauma of watching you suffer over and over again. And now it’s me that is suffering over and over again as I try to live this life without you. I know I told you I would be ok but some days I just can’t be. You mean too much to me. And while I will keep moving forward I will never be ok that I lost you. No-one can ever be ok that their child had to die.

This is the life of a bereaved parent.

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