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I haven't stopped loving you

I haven’t stopped loving you

A letter to my son in heaven on the third anniversary of his death

Photo by Mark Garrett/Creative Works Photography
Dear Xavier, 

I have noticed you don’t visit me as often anymore and I miss your surprise appearances in my dreams. Your sweet little voice I used to hear in my head is now just a whisper I can only hear when I really try to listen. 

But, I haven’t stopped loving you. 

Days go by and I don’t long for you like I used to. I set the table for three without a second thought. Your presence at the kitchen table feels like a lifetime ago - almost hard to believe it was even real. 

But, I haven’t stopped loving you.  

We put away some more of your things and rearranged the room we had made for you. Mackenzie now plays there beside a cabinet full of all of your Star Wars characters. There are fewer pictures of just you around the house and a few more of us as a family. 

But, I haven’t stopped loving you. 

This past year, life has moved forward. I have been working steadily, exercising more regularly (at least up until March) and feeling more settled in our home. I finally felt like I had a grip on this new life. Then the pandemic happened. 

These are interesting times and we have been home more than not with a lot of time to reflect, remember and regret the past. The distractions of normal life are gone and so is that feeling of contentment I had been building. I was better. I had goals, a brighter path ahead of me and now I am angry - angry you are not here to enjoy this precious family time together. 

But, I haven’t stopped loving you. 

Sometimes I don’t want to remember. The memories of our time together still hurt. Old pictures make me cry and thinking of how old you would be now makes my stomach churn. There are days I push thoughts of you away. And there are times when I want to run away from everything that reminds me of you. I am tired of crying. 

But, I haven’t stopped loving you. 

I don't hear your name spoken as much anymore, but I have watched your sister grow, your dad find himself again and our relationships change. I am learning that no matter how we step forward or what our future looks like, you Xavier, will always be in my heart.

My world is different and I am no longer afraid of what it has become because through it all, I haven’t stopped loving you. 

Comments

  1. Unknown13 May 2020 at 06:33

    So raw, truthful, powerful and heart wrenching all at the same time.

    ReplyDelete

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