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Grief on vacation


Top three things I learned on our first vacation since our child's death:

1. Grief doesn't take a vacation! 
2. Your loved is with you no matter how far you travel.
3. It's OK to be sad -- even in paradise.



Last week our family went on vacation. We sailed away on a massive cruise ship to visit Puerto Rico, Dominican, Bahamas and St. Thomas. For seven days I was away from reality.

I was away from all the photographs of our past family vacations with Xavier. I was away from his urn boldly displayed in our living room. I was away from his room filled with his toys, his costumes and his bed where I cuddled up next to him and kissed him one last time before he stopped breathing. 

For one week, I was away from the daily reminders of the trauma our family has endured - and the emptiness of a home where only one of my children now lives. 

While I basked in the sunshine as we sailed thousands of miles across the ocean blue escaping from the everyday stresses of life, there was one thing I couldn't escape from -- my grief. You can't run away from grief. It's like the waves crashing against the boat. No matter where we were or what speed we went, those waves still hit us. 

My stowaway grief followed me away from home, but so did my son. He didn't stay where his things were... he came right along with us giving us signs along the way. At each port we came to we noticed a rainbow. It became "a thing" and we had to watch for it. We actually came to expect it and worried about the disappointment we would have if we didn't see one. Then again on the flight home, high above the clouds as the sun was setting, there were small bands of rainbows popping up everywhere. They only lasted a few seconds and then show up somewhere else. But for us, it meant he was following us back home again. 

And lastly, if the grief was going to follow me there then I was going to need to be sad at least for a moment or two during our vacation. It was hard to allow myself. There I was sitting in what many would consider paradise - 30 degree temperatures, full sun and served any kind of drinks or food I wanted when back home it was snowy and - 30. It was perfect. But it wasn't. Tears welled and my heart still ached.  Nothing will ever be perfect without Xavier. It can come close, but will never be the same joy, the same happiness and fulfilment we had when we were complete.

The grief was, however, easier to manage on vacation because there were no other stressors. So, for that reason, I declare I need more vacations -- starting tomorrow! And this time I know Xavier will be there too. I don't have to stay home to feel close to him. I can go anywhere!









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