Skip to main content

Grief on vacation


Top three things I learned on our first vacation since our child's death:

1. Grief doesn't take a vacation! 
2. Your loved is with you no matter how far you travel.
3. It's OK to be sad -- even in paradise.



Last week our family went on vacation. We sailed away on a massive cruise ship to visit Puerto Rico, Dominican, Bahamas and St. Thomas. For seven days I was away from reality.

I was away from all the photographs of our past family vacations with Xavier. I was away from his urn boldly displayed in our living room. I was away from his room filled with his toys, his costumes and his bed where I cuddled up next to him and kissed him one last time before he stopped breathing. 

For one week, I was away from the daily reminders of the trauma our family has endured - and the emptiness of a home where only one of my children now lives. 

While I basked in the sunshine as we sailed thousands of miles across the ocean blue escaping from the everyday stresses of life, there was one thing I couldn't escape from -- my grief. You can't run away from grief. It's like the waves crashing against the boat. No matter where we were or what speed we went, those waves still hit us. 

My stowaway grief followed me away from home, but so did my son. He didn't stay where his things were... he came right along with us giving us signs along the way. At each port we came to we noticed a rainbow. It became "a thing" and we had to watch for it. We actually came to expect it and worried about the disappointment we would have if we didn't see one. Then again on the flight home, high above the clouds as the sun was setting, there were small bands of rainbows popping up everywhere. They only lasted a few seconds and then show up somewhere else. But for us, it meant he was following us back home again. 

And lastly, if the grief was going to follow me there then I was going to need to be sad at least for a moment or two during our vacation. It was hard to allow myself. There I was sitting in what many would consider paradise - 30 degree temperatures, full sun and served any kind of drinks or food I wanted when back home it was snowy and - 30. It was perfect. But it wasn't. Tears welled and my heart still ached.  Nothing will ever be perfect without Xavier. It can come close, but will never be the same joy, the same happiness and fulfilment we had when we were complete.

The grief was, however, easier to manage on vacation because there were no other stressors. So, for that reason, I declare I need more vacations -- starting tomorrow! And this time I know Xavier will be there too. I don't have to stay home to feel close to him. I can go anywhere!









Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Kids need to be kids - even with cancer

No one wants to see their child hurt. But when you have a child with a serious medical condition, seeing your child in pain can often be a frequent occurrence. Physical pain is one thing - emotional suffering is another- one I had little experience with until recently. (Yes, I am struggling, so that's why I am writing!) When Xavier was initially diagnosed and treated for brain cancer, he was a baby. He couldn't talk, express his feelings or even remember the trauma he suffered. Now, he is older, smarter and more thoughtful - yet too young to understand. About a month ago we started to see a change in Xavier. He was different. His sleep patterns changed, he was lethargic and other symptoms arose that concerned us. An MRI was immediately scheduled, followed by appointments with multiple doctors. A lumbar puncture has now been scheduled. I am not concerned they will find more cancer. I am not worried there is anything physically wrong. What has me scared and heart broken i...
Post a Comment
Read more

The dragon in his head

As far as my son knows, there was a dragon in his head. This dragon was big and scary and made him feel sick. But as far as my son knows, we stomped that dragon out. The idea of Xavier's cancerous tumour being a dragon in his head came from a movie that had been given to me by another mom of childhood cancer. Paul and The Dragon is a powerful 20-minute video of a young boy with cancer. Although it is generic (not about brain tumours), and there are no words, it is incredibly telling. For any family who has been through a similar experience, you will instantly connect with this boy and his family. And for my kids, who are very young and don't exactly understand medical terminology, the story is easy to understand and has provided a great foundation for how to talk to them about Xavier's journey with cancer. The movie was so popular among my kids that it became part of our regular Friday night movie rotation. My son even requested it while he was in the hos...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Deep Breath

The worst is over. Those words are like the soothing sound of a steady rainfall on a warm summers eve. After almost two weeks of anxiety and fear of Xavier's brain surgery, I can finally relax. It is over and he is doing amazing. This almost 5 year old kid has been through more than I have with 26 years on him. And still, he smiles, laughs and plays his little heart out. Not even a week after surgeons opened him up again, removed scar tissue in the 4th ventricle of his brain and took out a vertebrae in his spine, Xavier is walking, talking and just being a kid again. This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions, but above all has once again shown me how strong my little boy is ... and how strong I can be when I have to. There were moments when I thought I couldn't do this again - spend nights at his bedside in hospital, watch him suffer and see his painful scars. But with so many amazing people around me, and the extraordinary care by doctors and nurses at McMast...
Post a Comment
Read more