Skip to main content

Trying not to be sad is exhausting


 I am trying hard not to be sad. I am trying hard to see the positive. In fact I remind myself all the time of everything I am thankful for and blessed to have.

But I am still sad. I actually feel proud because I get out of bed everyday. Some days I would rather not but I do it anyways.

But I am starting to get angry. I can feel it bubbling up inside me. Every time I can’t pull that smile together or I do and it’s so disgustingly fake it makes me want to puke, I get more upset.

I want to be happy, I want to enjoy Christmas again and I want to make sure Mackenzie has the best Christmas season too. But as much as I want it, and yes  I know the saying if you want something bad enough you can make it happen, but I am failing. I guess maybe I don’t want it as much as I think. I am happy to be sad yet I feel the pressure to pretend. And when I can’t hold back the tears, I get angry. This dark cloak gets draped over me and it’s too heavy to just shrug off.

There are days I just want to curl up in a ball underneath its weight and sleep there. Maybe if I don’t move, the cloak will go away. The darkness will lift.

But that would be absurd. It’s Christmas season and it’s the second without Xavier so I should be better. It should be easier with the first one out of the way. Nope. Somehow I survived last year. At the time I thought it was real but now that more time has passed, it feels even more real. It was still new last year and with anything new there is an energy of expectations. How was I going to feel? Was it going to be as bad as I thought? How were other people going to react?

Now that that’s all out of the way, I have no sense of wonder. I know how much it will hurt leading up to Christmas Day. The celebrations will be a good distraction and  there will be the awkward moments of what to say to remember Xavier without putting a damper on the festive spirit. Then the days after will be miserable. The reality of yet another year without my son. Just thinking about celebrating this holiday of togetherness year after year without my boy makes me sick to my stomach. It’s real. This pain is the new normal.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Kids need to be kids - even with cancer

No one wants to see their child hurt. But when you have a child with a serious medical condition, seeing your child in pain can often be a frequent occurrence. Physical pain is one thing - emotional suffering is another- one I had little experience with until recently. (Yes, I am struggling, so that's why I am writing!) When Xavier was initially diagnosed and treated for brain cancer, he was a baby. He couldn't talk, express his feelings or even remember the trauma he suffered. Now, he is older, smarter and more thoughtful - yet too young to understand. About a month ago we started to see a change in Xavier. He was different. His sleep patterns changed, he was lethargic and other symptoms arose that concerned us. An MRI was immediately scheduled, followed by appointments with multiple doctors. A lumbar puncture has now been scheduled. I am not concerned they will find more cancer. I am not worried there is anything physically wrong. What has me scared and heart broken i...
Post a Comment
Read more

The dragon in his head

As far as my son knows, there was a dragon in his head. This dragon was big and scary and made him feel sick. But as far as my son knows, we stomped that dragon out. The idea of Xavier's cancerous tumour being a dragon in his head came from a movie that had been given to me by another mom of childhood cancer. Paul and The Dragon is a powerful 20-minute video of a young boy with cancer. Although it is generic (not about brain tumours), and there are no words, it is incredibly telling. For any family who has been through a similar experience, you will instantly connect with this boy and his family. And for my kids, who are very young and don't exactly understand medical terminology, the story is easy to understand and has provided a great foundation for how to talk to them about Xavier's journey with cancer. The movie was so popular among my kids that it became part of our regular Friday night movie rotation. My son even requested it while he was in the hos...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Deep Breath

The worst is over. Those words are like the soothing sound of a steady rainfall on a warm summers eve. After almost two weeks of anxiety and fear of Xavier's brain surgery, I can finally relax. It is over and he is doing amazing. This almost 5 year old kid has been through more than I have with 26 years on him. And still, he smiles, laughs and plays his little heart out. Not even a week after surgeons opened him up again, removed scar tissue in the 4th ventricle of his brain and took out a vertebrae in his spine, Xavier is walking, talking and just being a kid again. This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions, but above all has once again shown me how strong my little boy is ... and how strong I can be when I have to. There were moments when I thought I couldn't do this again - spend nights at his bedside in hospital, watch him suffer and see his painful scars. But with so many amazing people around me, and the extraordinary care by doctors and nurses at McMast...
Post a Comment
Read more