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Connected by our pain

On Friday, another family lost their son.

Not yet 20, this young man's life tragically ended in a car crash. His parents now thrown into this nightmare of losing their child. I wish I didn't know what it felt like. I wish they didn't either.

I know nothing about this family, their boy or their lives yet I suddenly feel connected to them through pain. Just as I did when I thought of all the moms from Humboldt.

It takes only a second for me to start crying when I think of that poor mother. I cry for the both of us. I cry because I know the depth of heartache she has been thrust into. And I am still learning. Learning how to cope with a never ending longing to see, feel, touch, kiss, hug or talk to your child. I am still learning how to manage the ongoing phases of grief in this non-linear process.

My heart bleeds for this mother, who like me, will have moments of peace and understanding and then moments of deep despair. I don't want anyone to have to feel this way. It is beyond sad that so many parents face this reality.

It's not fair.

Yet, there are amazing opportunities for growth in an experience of this magnitude. I am trying to embrace them and hold on to them to make sense of or find purpose in my loss. And if anything, it has proven to me the interconnectedness of us as human beings. There is something greater beyond our physical existence that connects us all...  just as I feel connected to this stranger, I can also still feel connected to my son.


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Time is not the same when you are grieving. It's like it doesn't even exist. Everyday feels like it was just yesterday we said goodbye. I have lost track of any linear timeframe of events and couldn't tell you what happened a month ago. Time does matter because time to me is only a painful reminder of how long I have lived without and likely have to live before I see my sweet boy again.

I honestly don't know how I have made it this far. To imagine I could endure so much pain for half a year and still survive is a testament to our God and his presence in my life. Without his strength helping me make it through each day, I would not still be here. I am tired of feeling so much pain.

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The fog has returned
My focus and clarity gone
Grief has settled in again
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We are now in the last days before Xavier died. He was alive this day last year. But on May 13 there is no living memory of him last year, aside from a couple hours of unconscious sleep before he took his last breath beside me. I held my breath with him waiting for the next and it didn’t come.

We had a great few days this week last year and he was full of laughs, full of life! We saw a glimpse of this again in ICU. Then he deteriorated. 

The zipper that keeps us all inside Earth started to split. His connection to this plane was ripping apart. When the zipper fully detached he was opened to eternity.

This week has been challenging, constantly fighting back memories of this time last year. Painful memories of life and death decisions. Time is nothing. It hurts just as bad now as it did last year. My grief had been contained, but is now wide open. 


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