The numbers game of grief

To my sweet child in heaven,

I missed the 10 month anniversary of you being gone. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
My day on March 13 wasn’t extraordinary, just full of regular life. Work, family, house stuff ...

So how was it that I failed to recognize the day as being 10 months without you. I thought of you. I thought of you lots like I always do and talked about you and looked at your picture and said goodnight like I always do. Perhaps I felt like you were so much a part of my day that it wasn’t worth pointing out you have been gone for 10 months.

But on the other hand how could I not remember such an important milestone. Every day without you is important. Am I forgetting you...

I think I have been so focused on it being almost one year since you died that these two months before are minor in comparison to this one-year anniversary I would rather not celebrate.Yay I made it a year so it must mean I can make it another and another and another...

But in reality the pain is getting worse. It’s so hard to believe it’s almost been a year because I hurt just as much as the first day you left. I have more days without tears, I am living. But when the right thought pops into my head, it rips open the wound and it hurts like hell all over again.

It's always about numbers and dates. A human flaw on Earth to be so linear in a world where science has said time is not real. I long for the day I no longer need to measure the days and time. I am happy you no longer have this incredible stressor in your new life. I take comfort to know that before your first day in heaven is through, I will be back with you!

2 Peter 3:8But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.

Comments

Half a year

Who Am I?
When I lost my son, I lost me too.

We are less than a week away from the six-month point. Soon we will have lived half a year without Xavier, yet it doesn't even seem possible.

Time is not the same when you are grieving. It's like it doesn't even exist. Everyday feels like it was just yesterday we said goodbye. I have lost track of any linear timeframe of events and couldn't tell you what happened a month ago. Time does matter because time to me is only a painful reminder of how long I have lived without and likely have to live before I see my sweet boy again.

I honestly don't know how I have made it this far. To imagine I could endure so much pain for half a year and still survive is a testament to our God and his presence in my life. Without his strength helping me make it through each day, I would not still be here. I am tired of feeling so much pain.

I am losing patience with myself now. Half a year seems like a lot of time, but the pain and tears I sh…

It feels like yesterday: Grief at one-year

The fog has returned
My focus and clarity gone
Grief has settled in again
I am tired; my body slumps and is too heavy to carry. I want to sleep.

We are now in the last days before Xavier died. He was alive this day last year. But on May 13 there is no living memory of him last year, aside from a couple hours of unconscious sleep before he took his last breath beside me. I held my breath with him waiting for the next and it didn’t come.

We had a great few days this week last year and he was full of laughs, full of life! We saw a glimpse of this again in ICU. Then he deteriorated.

The zipper that keeps us all inside Earth started to split. His connection to this plane was ripping apart. When the zipper fully detached he was opened to eternity.

This week has been challenging, constantly fighting back memories of this time last year. Painful memories of life and death decisions. Time is nothing. It hurts just as bad now as it did last year. My grief had been contained, but is now wide open.

But…

Hope in the Force: A deeper meaning in The Last Jedi

AS the hype grows hot for the new Star Wars movie The Last Jedi, my heart grows sad.

The movie, which premiered in LA this weekend, comes to local theatres on Thursday.
Seeing the new Star Wars movies has kinda been a thing for our family. Before having kids, it was an automatic date night for Mark and I (and I really enjoyed the added romance between Anakin and Padme). Then when we had kids, especially a boy who grew to love the original Star Wars just as much as his dad, going to the movies to see the newest one became an "event". Mark and Xavier would brave the crowds to go during opening weekend, then about a week later Mackenzie and I would go with the boys (because they are that good to see them twice in one week!)
But months before the movie was even in theatres we talked about going. When the trailer for the trailer would come out we would all get excited and then watch the trailers over and over again online. It always brought a lot of joy to us all and especially …

The Book of Me

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