Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Memories of love

What is life all about? Love and that love is locked into our memories we make. And the best part about this lifelong secret is that it doesn't matter where or what your circumstance, you have the power to make memories full of love.
We did a lot of things as a family and went a lot of places and enjoyed some awesome vacations. But now in hindsight when we think of the love we shared, the best memories, the most special times together were right at home. If I can give any advice to anyone, is that don't make a big deal about where or how you make those memories. The true love you find in those memories are not something you can create with a trip somewhere or a new toy. 
The quiet moments reading together in bed, suppers together and Xavier being at home being Xavier are the memories closest to my heart. They were authentic. 


I have written more words since xavier died than I think I had written in 7 years. These words are my heart on paper and are pouring out. I do believe there is a book in there somewhere in the mess of parts scattered throughout the internet and my notebooks. The task of putting it altogether excites me yet overwhelms me. I want so much for my writing to be worthwhile and helpful to others even though it is so healing for me on its own. It is in my search for purpose again that I long to do something with my words. 

I hear myself  giving my daughter life lessons and have to think am I doing this? I told her we weather the storm but the sun always comes out. We work through the bad to get to the good that is always there. Somedays I don''t believe this crap. I don't think this wave of sorrow I will ever get through nor want to. I will grieve Xavier's death forever as it is a reflection of my love. I will love him forever therefore will grieve. Of course it doesn't mean I will sit on my couch everyday with a box of kleenex, chocolate and tea (although those days are nice). 

Time doesn't heal. It's what you do with that time that makes the difference.

In our need to be positive all the time, do we leave people out? Are we ignoring the elephant in the room?
While at Camp Trillium for the first time, I felt alone. I couldn't just forget that my son died a mere three months ago from the very thing everyone there was trying to run from. Death found us. And now I feel our family, the ones who we shared such an intimate journey with are now so far away from where we are now. And this community is scared. Scared of the very thing we are dealing with. So how do we talk about it?
What about the kids who have found their paradise off earth? Why are we so afraid of death? Maybe I am looking in all the wrong places, but more needs to be out there for the families who are the survivors. Xavier's body may have died, but he lives on in our family. While my life's decision always reflected what was best for him, my life's decisions will still be filled with him. Although he took a piece of my heart with him, he also lives in my heart I still have here. With that I can choose to be advocate for other kids like him, for families like ours.

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