The Book of Me

A video blog: Poems from the Heart

The following poem was read at the Evening of Remembrance at McMaster Children's Hospital in September. It really stuck with me and so simply explains my life now... Shoes Author Unknown I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some people are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some ha...

Who Am I? When I lost my son, I lost me too. We are less than a week away from the six-month point. Soon we will have lived half a year without Xavier, yet it doesn't even seem possible. Time is not the same when you are grieving. It's like it doesn't even exist. Everyday feels like it was just yesterday we said goodbye. I have lost track of any linear timeframe of events and couldn't tell you what happened a month ago. Time does matter because time to me is only a painful reminder of how long I have lived without and likely have to live before I see my sweet boy again. I honestly don't know how I have made it this far. To imagine I could endure so much pain for half a year and still survive is a testament to our God and his presence in my life. Without his strength helping me make it through each day, I would not still be here. I am tired of feeling so much pain. I am losing patience with myself now. Half a year seems like a lot of time, but t...

October 31, 2017 At 7:30 a.m. I was already crying. Seeing Mackenzie's excitement about today struck a chord. As much as I wanted to feel her excitement, I could only feel sadness. Xavier loved Halloween. Together he and Mackenzie would plan for weeks even months about Halloween. Xavier loved to dress up in general and he couldn't contain himself on a day dedicated to dressing up. He would go online searching for costumes over and over again. He would pick one then change his mind again. By the time the day actually came, we had already bought him multiple costumes to choose from. I miss watching the two of them get ready and then parade around the house showing off their costumes. And it wasn't just the costumes either. He loved to decorate the house inside and out. While Mark took care of carving pumpkins with the kids, Xavier and I would always take a trip to the dollar store for lots of creepy decorations. He would have his hands full in seconds. I couldn't brin...

I miss watching you play, so I looked at a picture of you playing.  I miss hearing the sound of your toys, so I went to your room and turned on your light sabre.  I miss hearing your sweet voice and contagious laugh, so I watched a video of you.  I miss your goodnight kisses and holding you in my arms, so I cried.  Your touch can never be replaced. A picture, a video, a memory will never suffice. Nothing compares to the physicality of running my fingers through your soft, thick hair or kissing your warm, sweet cheeks or holding your sweaty little hand. I am learning to cope without you, moment by moment, day by day, but I still can't get past not having you here to touch. To feel your warmth radiate through me as we slept side by side as you neared the end. To rub your aching back or tickle your feet to see that amazingly beautiful smile of yours. I am trying to learn how to feel you in my heart, but just as grief is a process so too is learning to live wit...

Anger! The young girl Tip from the Disney movie Home gets it.   As the term suggests, it's when you get angry but deep underneath you are sad.  In the movie, Tip is sad when she was separated from her mother by aliens when they invaded Earth. When Oh discovers what is underneath her anger, he says, “You are mad-sad”. What appears to be anger is really sadness and grief for her loss. My grief, my sadness is the eye of a hurricane and around it swirls many other emotions capable of serious damage if managed improperly. Lately, anger has been encircling my pain.  Anger is an uncomfortable feeling for me as I am not usually one to anger. It takes a lot to get me fired up and I typically try to diffuse anger in others because it's scary and unpredictable. A control thing likely for me. But I am angry. I am not angry at anyone in particular, just life in general. I get angry when I do something new or old where Xavier should have been with us. My anger seeps out...

Xavier Hayden Garrett was shy and hated being centre of attention. But he would be friends with anyone - most often the kids who really didn't have or make friends easily.  He didn't need to make a big difference on a big scale. He made a big impact in a small group. His legacy is not known far and wide, yet the impact he had on those    special people reaches far and wide in their hearts. The world has forgotten him, but those people will not. He changed them forever filling them with a light that shone so bright within himself. Xavier was so true to himself. He never tried to be anyone but who he was and everything he did was consistent with his Being. Some people never get there. But he did and with everything he endu red he never wanted pity.   The world will forget him. Many people will forget the boy named Xavier who died of brain cancer. But to those who loved him and who he had a special place for in his heart will never forget.  As days, months and...