The Book of Me

My physical pain mimics my emotional pain. I was recently diagnosed with a rotator cuff tear and inflammation in my shoulder. I was not surprised as I knew I hurt it months ago while carrying my beloved son around when he could no longer walk. I refused to see a doctor back then because I was not going to listen anyways. I wouldn't stop carrying him and I didn't have time for physio. My life was about his pain at that time. But now strangely enough I find a parallel between this injury of love and the pain of loss now that he is gone. It hurts, a dull ache most days. At least once a day I do something that sends shooting pains through my shoulder and numbness into my fingers. Other times, I am just weak and tired. Much like my emotional pain of grief. It's there, but you can't see it. And my should will never heal the same nor will I. My fragile limb is the physical representation of my broken heart. In my agony of missing Xavier I said to myself how am I suppos...

Diary of a Grieving Mom: Social shyness A moment of truth - after the loss of a child, social gatherings make me cringe. I can't even think of a suitable analogy to describe the mix of emotions. It is a sickening anxiety. I speak for myself in my grief, but have also talked to others and read stories of others who share my dread of social gatherings following the death of our children. It all sounds good; a day or night out with friends or family. A pleasant distraction or a chance to have some fun. But for the grieving mom, they are exhausting. First off, we have to put on our mask. We have to pretend like we are ok, like we are living even though our child is not. But in reality, we are dead inside. Things are not ok and we hate life. For me, life stopped when my son's heart stopped beating. Everyone else's lives kept moving forward, and all we want is for time to stop so we can catch our breath. Pretending is hard work, especially for long periods of time. Who wan...

Tomorrow is another anniversary I wish we never marked. But I can never forgot the time, the days, the weeks and now the months you are not with us. July 13 is two months since you died in my arms. I think of those moments less and less every day and try to forget. But I can never forget. I miss you beyond words and hurt more than anyone can describe. Every moment now is a reminder you are not here. When I make a food you liked or go to get the plates out for supper and only grab three instead of four. I think of you when I see the TV remote you always had control of and when I do laundry and never see any of your dirty clothes. And every day as I watch Mackenzie play by herself I feel a stabbing pain for her loss. No child should ever have to go through what my two have. I try to be positive, put on a brave mask but behind it all I am broken inside and will never be the same. Xavier, you brought out pieces of myself I never knew I had. You made me stronger than I ever thought possi...

June 24, 2017 I woke up this morning but you were not here I woke up this morning thinking about cooking pancakes and bacon for breakfast but you are not here to enjoy I woke up this morning with an emptiness I can't fill I woke up and you did not I feel you in my heart and while my soul rages with confusion I long for the day I wake up again with you there "Goodbye is not forever, goodbye is not the end. It simply means we miss you, until we meet again." June 26, 2017 Mackenzie said you visited her again. She heard you breathing in her room when she went to bed. I think you are there when I wake up at 3 am. I wish you were here physically when we feel your presence.  June 27, 2017 Yet another goodbye is near and I feel the lump in my throat again. It has only been a few short weeks since we said goodbye to Xavier's home and a few weeks before we said goodbye to him. I have had to say goodbye to my work and this week we say goodbye to Algonquin ...

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18  My grief has now taken residence and settled into every inch of my aching body. Physically I am weak, emotionally I am weak and yet I go about my days as if I am OK. But I am not OK. Today we closed the door on the home Xavier spent most of his life; the last place he was ever alive. We walked in that door six years ago as a family of four and walked out that door a family of three. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It's not right. I feel so lost and so empty without you Xavier. I know I will see you again some day but I don't want to live all these days here without you. I have nothing left in me. I want to fix things... take away others pain, give Mackenzie back the twin brother she is supposed to have. But I can't. Everything is out of my control. This helplessness and hopelessness is growing stronger th...

June 20, 2017 There once was a time when my son's cobalt blue eyes sparkled. You could see them light up every time he looked at you. They were big, bright and ever so blue. This light even shone in pictures of him. You couldn't help but catch a glimpse of his sweet soul in his eyes. These smiling eyes were a testament to the love and joy within him. There once was a time when my eyes lit up with the light of Xavier's life. They sparkled a most magnificent blue. Whenever I was with him, my eyes told a story of extraordinary love. They glistened in the warm sun, mimicking Xavier's smiling eyes. Then one day his blue eyes turned a grey. The soft beautiful backlight that made his eyes so full of life had faded. The light of his life went out. When I looked into his eyes, they were empty. Although he still opened them and loving looked into mine, I could tell there was nothing left. No excitement, no smiles, no joy left in those beautiful blue eyes. After his eyes...

Tomorrow will mark one month since you left us. It still feels like yesterday. I am having a harder time now accepting that you are gone. I looked at some pictures and video of you just one week before you died. I never would have guessed you would be gone 7 days later. You were happy. You looked good and we had moments of the old Xavier back.  To think of those days makes it so hard to believe you were so sick that you would take your last breath so soon. To me you were still perfect and there was still hope for recovery or at least that you wouldn't get any worse. I miss you so much Xavier. Hearing your sweet voice only makes me cry more for you, miss you deeper and feel the hurt of the hole in my heart more. Our lives were so much better because of you.  My selfishness wanted to keep you here no matter how many more surgeries, treatments and disabilities you had. You were still my sweet child I could snuggle and watch sleep at night.  Now I kiss your urn ...