Skip to main content

Anger, resentment and self-pity

No one likes to talk about these strong and ugly feelings. They get stuffed deep down into the shadows of our soul. Who in their right mind would want to admit to having such negative and self-loathing emotions? Me!

I must be crazy, or maybe I am just human.

When you go through something as traumatic as losing your child, you find out how many emotions we humans are actually capable of experiencing.

For years our lives were a rollercoaster when it came to Xavier's medical condition...  the "scanxiety" before MRIs, the anticipation of a successful surgery, the waiting... and more waiting. But even since he's been gone, this rollercoaster of emotions does not stop. Now it's the grief we carry with us each and every day.

My last post was on grief and gratitude. How quickly things change. Grieving is a forever process and I am finding I go in and out of different phases regularly. Lately, I have been wallowing in a rather ugly state of anger, resentment, and self-pity. These emotions are sandwiched between the sadness, which is forever a part of us.

"We have this misguided notion that we are supposed to be serene and accepting. It might surprise us how strongly we can feel this emotion. But grieving is a messy process, not a tidy package."

Perhaps this post will offend someone with my bluntness, but I want to be real. These feelings exist and are often a natural reaction to great loss. The feelings I am about to describe do not define who I am, they are not truly how I see the world and others. They are simply feelings I must work through as I process the loss of my precious boy.

I am embarrassed and disgusted to admit that I have been angry and resentful that life goes on for everyone else; angry you get to keep your son and I didn't. I  get angry God did this, he let this happen to us. I am angry Mackenzie has to live without her brother and angry he left us. Sometimes I struggle to sympathize with others who see catastrophes, when I only see minor issues. I see your struggles as a blessing because you have a chance to still experience life when my son doesn't.

I am angry I am angry.

"Even if you know your anger isn’t logical or justified, you can’t always help how you feel. Emotions aren’t always rational and logical."

There is no sugar coating the honesty in my words. But to cover them up, pretend I don't feel what I feel will only hurt me in the long run. The only way to get passed these messy feelings is to let them go. But, I can only let go of what I know I am holding on to. I must first admit to them, recognize them for what they are and then, and only then can I let them go.

And through my writing, my journaling, this post I am letting them go...




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Feeding the fire

Buried deep within my soul is a fire. It burns slowly; smouldering inside me day after day. I long for the day when this fire rages again. Like it used to before I smothered it with life. Before kids, before mortgages, bills, illnesses and medical interventions, there was something else on my mind. It was fuelled by almost everything around me and grew stronger with every use. This was something that took me through dark spiralling tunnels, across cobalt blue seas with purple monkeys swimming and up mossy green mountains that whispered cool breezes. It sparked all my  senses and tugged at my heart. It sent shivers down my spine and excitement in my belly. And sometimes it paid. My creativity was ignited by an imagination as unique as every snowflake that falls. The words came to me, the stories flowed and the imagery made sense. I created eloquent editorial and powerful prose. But somehow along the way I lost my creative spirit. I pushed it away. I pushed it down. I push...

Will cancer or climate change be the end to humanity?

Someday the human race as we know it will not exist. As proven through time, history has a tendancy of repeating itself. Simply put, we haven't always existed so at some point we too will become extinct. I recently watched an intriguing documentary about the earth, its formation and evolution through time. The science of our universe as depicted in the series 'Cosmos' is fascinating - even if regurgitated information from grade school geography and science. The show strives to bring the relevance of the past to the future and how we continue to be affected. http://www.cosmosontv.com/ http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/entertainment2/57608648-223/cosmos-fox-science-sunday.html.csp It definately got me excited about science and the fact it airs on Fox and produced by Family Guy's Seth McFarlane does not make it any less credible. After watching, I questioned life as we see it today... and how that in billions of years from now the world will be a very different pla...

The aftermath is MESSY

We are on the road to recovery!  Physically, Xavier is improving daily with his regular physio and pure determination only a child possesses. He is learning to walk again and use his left side, all while building back the muscle he lost.  He has at least another month of treatment left, but we are so fortunate we can manage it at home and at a dose that causes fewer side effects than he faced last month.  Xavier is determined and I admire that in children. The lack of self-pity in kids we have seen  on his cancer ward are so inspiring. Instead they use that energy to heal, and set goals for recovery.   Still there are residual symptoms that are concerning. He is choking on liquids more frequently, suffering from reflux and is unable to move his toes on his left foot. Seems minor but as he tries to walk now his toes curl under his foot and trip him. Who knew how important straightening your toes are!  But the lingering side effect of treatment ...