The Book of Me

This year I am really trying to put the Merry back in Christmas. I fought through the tears to decorate the house. I found the energy to bring back the Elf on the Shelf and I attempted to decorate the Christmas tree this year.  I even went shopping for gifts on several occasions. I did none of these things last year. But still, I struggle. The countdown on our chalkboard says three days till Christmas, but it still feels like any other day. I still cry, I still hurt and I still yearn for the days when we spent Christmas altogether. The Christmases where my son could lick the spoon from my Christmas baking and hang up his own ornaments and unwrap his gifts. The mornings where Mackenzie and Xavier would race out of bed to find Ginger, yelling at each other not to find him before the other. I tell myself every day to be thankful for what I have. But still, I struggle. There were months where I could fall asleep easily and slept through the night. But for whatever reason, my ...

Dear Friend,   First and foremost, thank you for being my friend. I am incredibly lucky to have such an amazing group of people who are of no relation to me who care so deeply about my wellbeing, not because it’s expected of them, but because you choose to love me.  And it is out of that deep mutual respect we have for one another that I am reaching out with a letter to say, I am sorry. I am sorry I have been a shitty friend. I am sorry I haven’t been there for you like you have been for me when Xavier died. I am sorry I don’t call, I don’t text and I don’t visit.  And as much as I would like to say I will do better now, I can’t make any promises. Please forgive me for my honesty. But because you are my friend, I know you understand I am just being genuine and giving you my no-bullshit, just-the-truth explanation.  I am grieving. Yup, I said it and even as I write it, it too sounds like a lame excuse for my less-than-perfect behaviour. Now almost...

Your stuff can wait Perhaps it's my bah humbug attitude of the holidays I have acquired since Xavier's death, but I have some serious concerns about the back-to-work legislation expected to be imposed on our postal workers this week. To be clear, I have no friends or family (that I am aware of) in the postal industry and nor do I pretend to know all the facts of this issue. However, the argument looking in from the outside is quite simple: The quality of people's lives versus the commercialism of Christmas. It is a classic battle between people and stuff. Postal workers say they are fighting for better working conditions, for work-life balance so they can spend more time living not working. The government wants to force them back to work to ensure gifts and cards get delivered in time for Christmas. Because it is a huge inconvenience for Canadians not to receive these things. " The issue has quickly become tense for many Canadians because Canada Post is cruc...

Series:  Where language and emotion collide re·al 1 /ˈrē(ə)l/ adjective 1. actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed. "Julius Caesar was a real person" synonyms: actual , nonfictional,  factual , real-life;  More 2. (of a substance or thing) not imitation or artificial; genuine. "the earring was presumably real gold" synonyms: genuine ,  authentic ,  bona fide ;  More Stop using real for everything!  This is my rant for the day. I love our language, but like an overplayed song on the radio, words lose their effectiveness. I used to love [blank] song, but now I hate it because I have heard it way too much. Is this something you may have said before? Overuse destroys words in the same way. It diminishes its meaning and tangles its purpose.  It seems everything today must be coined "real" som...

  I am trying hard not to be sad. I am trying hard to see the positive. In fact I remind myself all the time of everything I am thankful for and blessed to have. But I am still sad. I actually feel proud because I get out of bed everyday. Some days I would rather not but I do it anyways. But I am starting to get angry. I can feel it bubbling up inside me. Every time I can’t pull that smile together or I do and it’s so disgustingly fake it makes me want to puke, I get more upset. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy Christmas again and I want to make sure Mackenzie has the best Christmas season too. But as much as I want it, and yes   I know the saying if you want something bad enough you can make it happen, but I am failing. I guess maybe I don’t want it as much as I think. I am happy to be sad yet I feel the pressure to pretend. And when I can’t hold back the tears, I get angry. This dark cloak gets draped over me and it’s too heavy to just shrug off. There a...

I rode the roller coast for years and now it's a maze.  Finding my way after losing Xavier has been a series of dead ends, wrong turns and the occasional straight path to nowhere. I must be doing grief wrong. "They" say not to make any big life changing decisions within a year after losing a loved one. I have made several.  First, we moved a month after his death. Had we known (or accepted) he was palliative, we never would have sold so quickly. I also quit my new job during that first month, knowing I would not be returning for some time and ineligible for any extended leaves of absence. Then here we are just over a year later and the cycle continues. We moved -- back to where we came from -- and I quit my new job at Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada.  There are so many amazing people behind this cause working hard every day in their labs, at the foundation, in hospitals and government offices trying to improve treatments and maybe find a cure someday. Don’t get m...

This is how I want to remember you... us! Happy, silly, in costume, playing with your sister and me being your Mom.  The fog has returned My focus and clarity gone Grief has settled in again I am tired; my body slumps and is too heavy to carry. I want to sleep. We are now in the last days before Xavier died. He was alive this day last year. But on May 13 there is no living memory of him last year, aside from a couple hours of unconscious sleep before he took his last breath beside me. I held my breath with him waiting for the next and it didn’t come. We had a great few days this week last year and he was full of laughs, full of life! We saw a glimpse of this again in ICU. Then he deteriorated.  The zipper that keeps us all inside Earth started to split. His connection to this plane was ripping apart. When the zipper fully detached he was opened to eternity. This week has been challenging, constantly fighting back memories of this time last year. Painf...

On Friday, another family lost their son. Not yet 20, this young man's life tragically ended in a car crash. His parents now thrown into this nightmare of losing their child. I wish I didn't know what it felt like. I wish they didn't either. I know nothing about this family, their boy or their lives yet I suddenly feel connected to them through pain. Just as I did when I thought of all the moms from Humboldt. It takes only a second for me to start crying when I think of that poor mother. I cry for the both of us. I cry because I know the depth of heartache she has been thrust into. And I am still learning. Learning how to cope with a never ending longing to see, feel, touch, kiss, hug or talk to your child. I am still learning how to manage the ongoing phases of grief in this non-linear process. My heart bleeds for this mother, who like me, will have moments of peace and understanding and then moments of deep despair. I don't want anyone to have to feel this way...

To my sweet child in heaven,  I missed the 10 month anniversary of you being gone. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. My day on March 13 wasn’t extraordinary, just full of regular life. Work, family, house stuff ... So how was it that I failed to recognize the day as being 10 months without you. I thought of you. I thought of you lots like I always do and talked about you and looked at your picture and said goodnight like I always do. Perhaps I felt like you were so much a part of my day that it wasn’t worth pointing out you have been gone for 10 months. But on the other hand how could I not remember such an important milestone. Every day without you is important. Am I forgetting you... I think I have been so focused on it being almost one year since you died that these two months before are minor in comparison to this one-year anniversary I would rather not celebrate. Yay I made it a year so it must mean I can make it another and another and another... ...

No one likes to talk about these strong and ugly feelings. They get stuffed deep down into the shadows of our soul. Who in their right mind would want to admit to having such negative and self-loathing emotions? Me! I must be crazy, or maybe I am just human. When you go through something as traumatic as losing your child, you find out how many emotions we humans are actually capable of experiencing. For years our lives were a rollercoaster when it came to Xavier's medical condition...  the "scanxiety" before MRIs, the anticipation of a successful surgery, the waiting... and more waiting. But even since he's been gone, this rollercoaster of emotions does not stop. Now it's the grief we carry with us each and every day. My last post was on grief and gratitude. How quickly things change. Grieving is a forever process and I am finding I go in and out of different phases regularly. Lately, I have been wallowing in a rather ugly state of anger, resentment, and s...

It has been a while since my last post.  I don't know how many times I and other bloggers have likely used this opening. But as boring and cliche as those words are, there is hope within this opening line. Hope. I haven't written because I haven't needed to like I have in the past to release the overwhelming whirlpool of emotions splashing out of me with nowhere to go but into words on a page. Journaling has always been a wonderful tool for me when I am experiencing intense feelings or untamed stress. In fact my lack of posts is because I have been preoccupied with life. A life I want to live despite losing one of my greatest gifts in my life, my son Xavier. But in the last month, I have experienced joy and the gifts my precious son left here for me. I would give anything and everything to have him here with me, but having accepted the reality that is just not possible, I now choose to focus on the positives this experience has brought to my life. I have started...