The Book of Me

October 31, 2017 At 7:30 a.m. I was already crying. Seeing Mackenzie's excitement about today struck a chord. As much as I wanted to feel her excitement, I could only feel sadness. Xavier loved Halloween. Together he and Mackenzie would plan for weeks even months about Halloween. Xavier loved to dress up in general and he couldn't contain himself on a day dedicated to dressing up. He would go online searching for costumes over and over again. He would pick one then change his mind again. By the time the day actually came, we had already bought him multiple costumes to choose from. I miss watching the two of them get ready and then parade around the house showing off their costumes. And it wasn't just the costumes either. He loved to decorate the house inside and out. While Mark took care of carving pumpkins with the kids, Xavier and I would always take a trip to the dollar store for lots of creepy decorations. He would have his hands full in seconds. I couldn't brin...

I miss watching you play, so I looked at a picture of you playing.  I miss hearing the sound of your toys, so I went to your room and turned on your light sabre.  I miss hearing your sweet voice and contagious laugh, so I watched a video of you.  I miss your goodnight kisses and holding you in my arms, so I cried.  Your touch can never be replaced. A picture, a video, a memory will never suffice. Nothing compares to the physicality of running my fingers through your soft, thick hair or kissing your warm, sweet cheeks or holding your sweaty little hand. I am learning to cope without you, moment by moment, day by day, but I still can't get past not having you here to touch. To feel your warmth radiate through me as we slept side by side as you neared the end. To rub your aching back or tickle your feet to see that amazingly beautiful smile of yours. I am trying to learn how to feel you in my heart, but just as grief is a process so too is learning to live wit...

Anger! The young girl Tip from the Disney movie Home gets it.   As the term suggests, it's when you get angry but deep underneath you are sad.  In the movie, Tip is sad when she was separated from her mother by aliens when they invaded Earth. When Oh discovers what is underneath her anger, he says, “You are mad-sad”. What appears to be anger is really sadness and grief for her loss. My grief, my sadness is the eye of a hurricane and around it swirls many other emotions capable of serious damage if managed improperly. Lately, anger has been encircling my pain.  Anger is an uncomfortable feeling for me as I am not usually one to anger. It takes a lot to get me fired up and I typically try to diffuse anger in others because it's scary and unpredictable. A control thing likely for me. But I am angry. I am not angry at anyone in particular, just life in general. I get angry when I do something new or old where Xavier should have been with us. My anger seeps out...

Xavier Hayden Garrett was shy and hated being centre of attention. But he would be friends with anyone - most often the kids who really didn't have or make friends easily.  He didn't need to make a big difference on a big scale. He made a big impact in a small group. His legacy is not known far and wide, yet the impact he had on those    special people reaches far and wide in their hearts. The world has forgotten him, but those people will not. He changed them forever filling them with a light that shone so bright within himself. Xavier was so true to himself. He never tried to be anyone but who he was and everything he did was consistent with his Being. Some people never get there. But he did and with everything he endu red he never wanted pity.   The world will forget him. Many people will forget the boy named Xavier who died of brain cancer. But to those who loved him and who he had a special place for in his heart will never forget.  As days, months and...

This week as I approached my counsellor's front porch, I noticed a beautiful purple potted Mum sitting by the stairs. It had so many little flowers that together they made up a great big ball of purple flowers. I couldn't help but comment on the beauty of this Mum when he came to the door to greet me.  Seems like a silly thing to write about, I know. But the memory of those flowers came back to me and that's when I realized their significance.  In that moment I had been still enough to feel the beauty of nature. A heart-warming feeling of joy arose in my noticing these flowers. Simple yet profound.  There was a peace about me in that moment that I could feel joy through a plant. It reminds how we truly are connected to everything because everything is connected to God's love. I feel blessed by this moment and it gives me hope that I will have more joyful moments where I am still enough and at peace enough in a world without my beloved son.  It really...