Skip to main content

Hauntings

July 22
Last night I woke up around Xaver's time of death. I was jolted awake my a memory.
It was within the last three or four months of his life when Xavier came to me and told me about a recurring dream he was having. He had it before in 2015 when he relapsed and came home after being very sick. He explained to me how we were all walking together as a family, but there were big holes in the ground everywhere. He told me with fear that he fell into one of those holes and the rest of us kept walking. I am not sure the significance or whether he told me this or not but I always associate the colour purple with this dream. He remembered the dream from the last time he had it so vividly. It scared me to hear him have this nightmare again. I assured him we would never just leave him and walk away without him. I wish I had said more, validated this dream - this telling of his future that was in his heart and mind. He was being prepared for his own death, but I was too scared to acknowledge.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The dragon in his head

As far as my son knows, there was a dragon in his head. This dragon was big and scary and made him feel sick. But as far as my son knows, we stomped that dragon out. The idea of Xavier's cancerous tumour being a dragon in his head came from a movie that had been given to me by another mom of childhood cancer. Paul and The Dragon is a powerful 20-minute video of a young boy with cancer. Although it is generic (not about brain tumours), and there are no words, it is incredibly telling. For any family who has been through a similar experience, you will instantly connect with this boy and his family. And for my kids, who are very young and don't exactly understand medical terminology, the story is easy to understand and has provided a great foundation for how to talk to them about Xavier's journey with cancer. The movie was so popular among my kids that it became part of our regular Friday night movie rotation. My son even requested it while he was in the hos...

Kids need to be kids - even with cancer

No one wants to see their child hurt. But when you have a child with a serious medical condition, seeing your child in pain can often be a frequent occurrence. Physical pain is one thing - emotional suffering is another- one I had little experience with until recently. (Yes, I am struggling, so that's why I am writing!) When Xavier was initially diagnosed and treated for brain cancer, he was a baby. He couldn't talk, express his feelings or even remember the trauma he suffered. Now, he is older, smarter and more thoughtful - yet too young to understand. About a month ago we started to see a change in Xavier. He was different. His sleep patterns changed, he was lethargic and other symptoms arose that concerned us. An MRI was immediately scheduled, followed by appointments with multiple doctors. A lumbar puncture has now been scheduled. I am not concerned they will find more cancer. I am not worried there is anything physically wrong. What has me scared and heart broken i...

Open wounds

I respect everyone who wants to help our family and offer some advice on how to help in our current situation, but I am frustrated because most people just don't understand the complexity of the issues. I am so tired of hearing, in some form of another, just make them suck it up! My children are behaving normally for a 3-4 year old. They are 6. Their behaviour is associated with many internal hurts, trauma from our experience of having a child with cancer. Yes, someday things will have to be different. But just a few short months ago our lives were turned upside down again. Look at it this way... if your child got hit my a car and had a gushing open wound to the head or leg, would you just tell them to suck it up?? Of course not. You would need to seek medical treatment ASAP and have them treat the wound so it can heal properly followed by proper physio therapy. Well my kids have a big open wounds in their hearts right now. If we leave it and just make them suck it up th...