The Book of Me

June 24, 2017 I woke up this morning but you were not here I woke up this morning thinking about cooking pancakes and bacon for breakfast but you are not here to enjoy I woke up this morning with an emptiness I can't fill I woke up and you did not I feel you in my heart and while my soul rages with confusion I long for the day I wake up again with you there "Goodbye is not forever, goodbye is not the end. It simply means we miss you, until we meet again." June 26, 2017 Mackenzie said you visited her again. She heard you breathing in her room when she went to bed. I think you are there when I wake up at 3 am. I wish you were here physically when we feel your presence.  June 27, 2017 Yet another goodbye is near and I feel the lump in my throat again. It has only been a few short weeks since we said goodbye to Xavier's home and a few weeks before we said goodbye to him. I have had to say goodbye to my work and this week we say goodbye to Algonquin ...

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18  My grief has now taken residence and settled into every inch of my aching body. Physically I am weak, emotionally I am weak and yet I go about my days as if I am OK. But I am not OK. Today we closed the door on the home Xavier spent most of his life; the last place he was ever alive. We walked in that door six years ago as a family of four and walked out that door a family of three. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It's not right. I feel so lost and so empty without you Xavier. I know I will see you again some day but I don't want to live all these days here without you. I have nothing left in me. I want to fix things... take away others pain, give Mackenzie back the twin brother she is supposed to have. But I can't. Everything is out of my control. This helplessness and hopelessness is growing stronger th...

June 20, 2017 There once was a time when my son's cobalt blue eyes sparkled. You could see them light up every time he looked at you. They were big, bright and ever so blue. This light even shone in pictures of him. You couldn't help but catch a glimpse of his sweet soul in his eyes. These smiling eyes were a testament to the love and joy within him. There once was a time when my eyes lit up with the light of Xavier's life. They sparkled a most magnificent blue. Whenever I was with him, my eyes told a story of extraordinary love. They glistened in the warm sun, mimicking Xavier's smiling eyes. Then one day his blue eyes turned a grey. The soft beautiful backlight that made his eyes so full of life had faded. The light of his life went out. When I looked into his eyes, they were empty. Although he still opened them and loving looked into mine, I could tell there was nothing left. No excitement, no smiles, no joy left in those beautiful blue eyes. After his eyes...

Tomorrow will mark one month since you left us. It still feels like yesterday. I am having a harder time now accepting that you are gone. I looked at some pictures and video of you just one week before you died. I never would have guessed you would be gone 7 days later. You were happy. You looked good and we had moments of the old Xavier back.  To think of those days makes it so hard to believe you were so sick that you would take your last breath so soon. To me you were still perfect and there was still hope for recovery or at least that you wouldn't get any worse. I miss you so much Xavier. Hearing your sweet voice only makes me cry more for you, miss you deeper and feel the hurt of the hole in my heart more. Our lives were so much better because of you.  My selfishness wanted to keep you here no matter how many more surgeries, treatments and disabilities you had. You were still my sweet child I could snuggle and watch sleep at night.  Now I kiss your urn ...

PART 2 Today is your 8th birthday! It is the first birthday Mackenzie will celebrate without her twin brother. On May 31, 2009, two beautiful babies entered the world. For seven years we celebrated your birthdays together. Today I celebrate with one here and one in Heaven. Today I can only give one of my babies their birthday hugs and kisses. It just doesn't feel right. Half of you is missing. It hurts beyond words that I can't hug or kiss you and tell you happy birthday. You left too soon and my heart aches for you every day. I would give anything to hold you again. To see your sweet smile and hear your voice even if all you said was poop!  I love you Xavier. We miss you so much.  I ask God for strength every night to get through the next day without you.  The joy you brought to this family is irreplaceable. At times I feel like I can't go on. I can't live without you and will never get through this. If I could ask God for anything it would be that I co...