Skip to main content

When you think you can't take anymore


That was me about three days ago. I was done.

Over and over again I hear myself telling others how I am hopeful of Xavier's current treatment. I put on that positive attitude, smile and say it's going to be ok, it's just going to take time. I hear the words leave my mouth, but inside I don't believe them. It's a canned phrase now - you know the one people want to hear. 

They don't want to hear me say life really sucks. The days are painful, literally, having to carry around a 70 pound boy and up and down stairs. The nights are even worse when the emotional pain comes pouring out of all the little cracks inside where we tried to tuck it away during the day. All the fears, all the anger, and all the exhaustion. 

Three days ago Xavier said he forgets now what it even feels like to run. My now 7-year-old son who once took kickboxing and could keep up to his sister kicking a soccer ball around, hasn't been able to run since last July. Some days he can barely walk. It's devastating for me and I can't even imagine how he must feel. To have known what it was like to be a carefree kid and then to lose it all. To have experienced your independence and then lose it all. 

It's so easy to get lost in the negative of this situation. The journey has been so long and this time around there has been little reprieve of his symptoms since August. My stamina for this is running out and I need a recharge. We have all lost our shit at least once now; felt like giving up and walking away. 

But then suddenly life throws you another perspective. That came in 3F cancer clinic. Week after week I see the same families, the same people, the same kids being hooked up for their weekly dose of chemo. But one in particular reminded me of Xavier when our journey just started. 

She is only 18 months old. She has a beautiful smile and big happy blue eyes. She loves to say hi to everyone. This adorable baby is a foster child. Her parents gave her up after her cancer diagnosis. They walked away. Now her foster mom is there every week giving this beautiful little girl a chance at life. 

When I heard her story the other day, my heart sank. How could someone walk away from their sick child like that?  As much as I know the struggles of raising a sick child, I couldn't help but think of all the wonderful, loving experiences this journey has brought us. 

Every hug is special. Every kiss goodnight is precious. We have learned how to love deeper, love stronger and ask for forgiveness. My heart would never have been as full as it is now. I see the beauty in the depth of understanding and breadth of feelings this journey has brought upon us. A blessing in disguise revealed by a random conversation with someone I had seen time and time again but never spoke to until that day I was done.  

God's timing is impeccable! 








Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Kids need to be kids - even with cancer

No one wants to see their child hurt. But when you have a child with a serious medical condition, seeing your child in pain can often be a frequent occurrence. Physical pain is one thing - emotional suffering is another- one I had little experience with until recently. (Yes, I am struggling, so that's why I am writing!) When Xavier was initially diagnosed and treated for brain cancer, he was a baby. He couldn't talk, express his feelings or even remember the trauma he suffered. Now, he is older, smarter and more thoughtful - yet too young to understand. About a month ago we started to see a change in Xavier. He was different. His sleep patterns changed, he was lethargic and other symptoms arose that concerned us. An MRI was immediately scheduled, followed by appointments with multiple doctors. A lumbar puncture has now been scheduled. I am not concerned they will find more cancer. I am not worried there is anything physically wrong. What has me scared and heart broken i...
Post a Comment
Read more

The dragon in his head

As far as my son knows, there was a dragon in his head. This dragon was big and scary and made him feel sick. But as far as my son knows, we stomped that dragon out. The idea of Xavier's cancerous tumour being a dragon in his head came from a movie that had been given to me by another mom of childhood cancer. Paul and The Dragon is a powerful 20-minute video of a young boy with cancer. Although it is generic (not about brain tumours), and there are no words, it is incredibly telling. For any family who has been through a similar experience, you will instantly connect with this boy and his family. And for my kids, who are very young and don't exactly understand medical terminology, the story is easy to understand and has provided a great foundation for how to talk to them about Xavier's journey with cancer. The movie was so popular among my kids that it became part of our regular Friday night movie rotation. My son even requested it while he was in the hos...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Deep Breath

The worst is over. Those words are like the soothing sound of a steady rainfall on a warm summers eve. After almost two weeks of anxiety and fear of Xavier's brain surgery, I can finally relax. It is over and he is doing amazing. This almost 5 year old kid has been through more than I have with 26 years on him. And still, he smiles, laughs and plays his little heart out. Not even a week after surgeons opened him up again, removed scar tissue in the 4th ventricle of his brain and took out a vertebrae in his spine, Xavier is walking, talking and just being a kid again. This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions, but above all has once again shown me how strong my little boy is ... and how strong I can be when I have to. There were moments when I thought I couldn't do this again - spend nights at his bedside in hospital, watch him suffer and see his painful scars. But with so many amazing people around me, and the extraordinary care by doctors and nurses at McMast...
Post a Comment
Read more