The Book of Me

Top three things I learned on our first vacation since our child's death: 1. Grief doesn't take a vacation!  2. Your loved is with you no matter how far you travel. 3. It's OK to be sad -- even in paradise. Last week our family went on vacation. We sailed away on a massive cruise ship to visit Puerto Rico, Dominican, Bahamas and St. Thomas. For seven days I was away from reality. I was away from all the photographs of our past family vacations with Xavier. I was away from his urn boldly displayed in our living room. I was away from his room filled with his toys, his costumes and his bed where I cuddled up next to him and kissed him one last time before he stopped breathing.  For one week, I was away from the daily reminders of the trauma our family has endured - and the emptiness of a home where only one of my children now lives.  While I basked in the sunshine as we sailed thousands of miles across the ocean blue escaping from the everyday...

This year I am really trying to put the Merry back in Christmas. I fought through the tears to decorate the house. I found the energy to bring back the Elf on the Shelf and I attempted to decorate the Christmas tree this year.  I even went shopping for gifts on several occasions. I did none of these things last year. But still, I struggle. The countdown on our chalkboard says three days till Christmas, but it still feels like any other day. I still cry, I still hurt and I still yearn for the days when we spent Christmas altogether. The Christmases where my son could lick the spoon from my Christmas baking and hang up his own ornaments and unwrap his gifts. The mornings where Mackenzie and Xavier would race out of bed to find Ginger, yelling at each other not to find him before the other. I tell myself every day to be thankful for what I have. But still, I struggle. There were months where I could fall asleep easily and slept through the night. But for whatever reason, my ...

Dear Friend,   First and foremost, thank you for being my friend. I am incredibly lucky to have such an amazing group of people who are of no relation to me who care so deeply about my wellbeing, not because it’s expected of them, but because you choose to love me.  And it is out of that deep mutual respect we have for one another that I am reaching out with a letter to say, I am sorry. I am sorry I have been a shitty friend. I am sorry I haven’t been there for you like you have been for me when Xavier died. I am sorry I don’t call, I don’t text and I don’t visit.  And as much as I would like to say I will do better now, I can’t make any promises. Please forgive me for my honesty. But because you are my friend, I know you understand I am just being genuine and giving you my no-bullshit, just-the-truth explanation.  I am grieving. Yup, I said it and even as I write it, it too sounds like a lame excuse for my less-than-perfect behaviour. Now almost...

Your stuff can wait Perhaps it's my bah humbug attitude of the holidays I have acquired since Xavier's death, but I have some serious concerns about the back-to-work legislation expected to be imposed on our postal workers this week. To be clear, I have no friends or family (that I am aware of) in the postal industry and nor do I pretend to know all the facts of this issue. However, the argument looking in from the outside is quite simple: The quality of people's lives versus the commercialism of Christmas. It is a classic battle between people and stuff. Postal workers say they are fighting for better working conditions, for work-life balance so they can spend more time living not working. The government wants to force them back to work to ensure gifts and cards get delivered in time for Christmas. Because it is a huge inconvenience for Canadians not to receive these things. " The issue has quickly become tense for many Canadians because Canada Post is cruc...

Series:  Where language and emotion collide re·al 1 /ˈrē(ə)l/ adjective 1. actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed. "Julius Caesar was a real person" synonyms: actual , nonfictional,  factual , real-life;  More 2. (of a substance or thing) not imitation or artificial; genuine. "the earring was presumably real gold" synonyms: genuine ,  authentic ,  bona fide ;  More Stop using real for everything!  This is my rant for the day. I love our language, but like an overplayed song on the radio, words lose their effectiveness. I used to love [blank] song, but now I hate it because I have heard it way too much. Is this something you may have said before? Overuse destroys words in the same way. It diminishes its meaning and tangles its purpose.  It seems everything today must be coined "real" som...

  I am trying hard not to be sad. I am trying hard to see the positive. In fact I remind myself all the time of everything I am thankful for and blessed to have. But I am still sad. I actually feel proud because I get out of bed everyday. Some days I would rather not but I do it anyways. But I am starting to get angry. I can feel it bubbling up inside me. Every time I can’t pull that smile together or I do and it’s so disgustingly fake it makes me want to puke, I get more upset. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy Christmas again and I want to make sure Mackenzie has the best Christmas season too. But as much as I want it, and yes   I know the saying if you want something bad enough you can make it happen, but I am failing. I guess maybe I don’t want it as much as I think. I am happy to be sad yet I feel the pressure to pretend. And when I can’t hold back the tears, I get angry. This dark cloak gets draped over me and it’s too heavy to just shrug off. There a...

I rode the roller coast for years and now it's a maze.  Finding my way after losing Xavier has been a series of dead ends, wrong turns and the occasional straight path to nowhere. I must be doing grief wrong. "They" say not to make any big life changing decisions within a year after losing a loved one. I have made several.  First, we moved a month after his death. Had we known (or accepted) he was palliative, we never would have sold so quickly. I also quit my new job during that first month, knowing I would not be returning for some time and ineligible for any extended leaves of absence. Then here we are just over a year later and the cycle continues. We moved -- back to where we came from -- and I quit my new job at Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada.  There are so many amazing people behind this cause working hard every day in their labs, at the foundation, in hospitals and government offices trying to improve treatments and maybe find a cure someday. Don’t get m...