The Book of Me

Your stuff can wait Perhaps it's my bah humbug attitude of the holidays I have acquired since Xavier's death, but I have some serious concerns about the back-to-work legislation expected to be imposed on our postal workers this week. To be clear, I have no friends or family (that I am aware of) in the postal industry and nor do I pretend to know all the facts of this issue. However, the argument looking in from the outside is quite simple: The quality of people's lives versus the commercialism of Christmas. It is a classic battle between people and stuff. Postal workers say they are fighting for better working conditions, for work-life balance so they can spend more time living not working. The government wants to force them back to work to ensure gifts and cards get delivered in time for Christmas. Because it is a huge inconvenience for Canadians not to receive these things. " The issue has quickly become tense for many Canadians because Canada Post is cruc...

Series:  Where language and emotion collide re·al 1 /ˈrē(ə)l/ adjective 1. actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed. "Julius Caesar was a real person" synonyms: actual , nonfictional,  factual , real-life;  More 2. (of a substance or thing) not imitation or artificial; genuine. "the earring was presumably real gold" synonyms: genuine ,  authentic ,  bona fide ;  More Stop using real for everything!  This is my rant for the day. I love our language, but like an overplayed song on the radio, words lose their effectiveness. I used to love [blank] song, but now I hate it because I have heard it way too much. Is this something you may have said before? Overuse destroys words in the same way. It diminishes its meaning and tangles its purpose.  It seems everything today must be coined "real" som...

  I am trying hard not to be sad. I am trying hard to see the positive. In fact I remind myself all the time of everything I am thankful for and blessed to have. But I am still sad. I actually feel proud because I get out of bed everyday. Some days I would rather not but I do it anyways. But I am starting to get angry. I can feel it bubbling up inside me. Every time I can’t pull that smile together or I do and it’s so disgustingly fake it makes me want to puke, I get more upset. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy Christmas again and I want to make sure Mackenzie has the best Christmas season too. But as much as I want it, and yes   I know the saying if you want something bad enough you can make it happen, but I am failing. I guess maybe I don’t want it as much as I think. I am happy to be sad yet I feel the pressure to pretend. And when I can’t hold back the tears, I get angry. This dark cloak gets draped over me and it’s too heavy to just shrug off. There a...

I rode the roller coast for years and now it's a maze.  Finding my way after losing Xavier has been a series of dead ends, wrong turns and the occasional straight path to nowhere. I must be doing grief wrong. "They" say not to make any big life changing decisions within a year after losing a loved one. I have made several.  First, we moved a month after his death. Had we known (or accepted) he was palliative, we never would have sold so quickly. I also quit my new job during that first month, knowing I would not be returning for some time and ineligible for any extended leaves of absence. Then here we are just over a year later and the cycle continues. We moved -- back to where we came from -- and I quit my new job at Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada.  There are so many amazing people behind this cause working hard every day in their labs, at the foundation, in hospitals and government offices trying to improve treatments and maybe find a cure someday. Don’t get m...

This is how I want to remember you... us! Happy, silly, in costume, playing with your sister and me being your Mom.  The fog has returned My focus and clarity gone Grief has settled in again I am tired; my body slumps and is too heavy to carry. I want to sleep. We are now in the last days before Xavier died. He was alive this day last year. But on May 13 there is no living memory of him last year, aside from a couple hours of unconscious sleep before he took his last breath beside me. I held my breath with him waiting for the next and it didn’t come. We had a great few days this week last year and he was full of laughs, full of life! We saw a glimpse of this again in ICU. Then he deteriorated.  The zipper that keeps us all inside Earth started to split. His connection to this plane was ripping apart. When the zipper fully detached he was opened to eternity. This week has been challenging, constantly fighting back memories of this time last year. Painf...

On Friday, another family lost their son. Not yet 20, this young man's life tragically ended in a car crash. His parents now thrown into this nightmare of losing their child. I wish I didn't know what it felt like. I wish they didn't either. I know nothing about this family, their boy or their lives yet I suddenly feel connected to them through pain. Just as I did when I thought of all the moms from Humboldt. It takes only a second for me to start crying when I think of that poor mother. I cry for the both of us. I cry because I know the depth of heartache she has been thrust into. And I am still learning. Learning how to cope with a never ending longing to see, feel, touch, kiss, hug or talk to your child. I am still learning how to manage the ongoing phases of grief in this non-linear process. My heart bleeds for this mother, who like me, will have moments of peace and understanding and then moments of deep despair. I don't want anyone to have to feel this way...

To my sweet child in heaven,  I missed the 10 month anniversary of you being gone. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. My day on March 13 wasn’t extraordinary, just full of regular life. Work, family, house stuff ... So how was it that I failed to recognize the day as being 10 months without you. I thought of you. I thought of you lots like I always do and talked about you and looked at your picture and said goodnight like I always do. Perhaps I felt like you were so much a part of my day that it wasn’t worth pointing out you have been gone for 10 months. But on the other hand how could I not remember such an important milestone. Every day without you is important. Am I forgetting you... I think I have been so focused on it being almost one year since you died that these two months before are minor in comparison to this one-year anniversary I would rather not celebrate. Yay I made it a year so it must mean I can make it another and another and another... ...