The Book of Me

When my son died of brain cancer, things changed...  Disclaimer: Maybe I explain these things to myself this way because subconsciously I cannot accept defeat. Or maybe I am just trying to make sense of what cannot humanly be understood. Whatever it is, these are my thoughts, my crazy internal monologue, that bring me some peace as I grieve my son's death. Please don't judge.  Since you’ve been gone… I have not lived in fear.  For many months, even years before you died, my prayer was simple: Dear God, please take away my fear in exchange for strength. I said these words every night when I went to bed never knowing if tomorrow – or the next day or the next day - would be the last with my son.   Fear was often what kept us going. It was a blessing in disguise, but also a difficult way to live. As Xavier grew more and more tired of being sick, I grew tired of being scared. Fear of his death had gripped our family for so long. It never allowed us to fully r...

What is life all about? Love and that love is locked into our memories we make. And the best part about this lifelong secret is that it doesn't matter where or what your circumstance, you have the power to make memories full of love. We did a lot of things as a family and went a lot of places and enjoyed some awesome vacations. But now in hindsight when we think of the love we shared, the best memories, the most special times together were right at home. If I can give any advice to anyone, is that don't make a big deal about where or how you make those memories. The true love you find in those memories are not something you can create with a trip somewhere or a new toy.  The quiet moments reading together in bed, suppers together and Xavier being at home being Xavier are the memories closest to my heart. They were authentic.  I have written more words since xavier died than I think I had written in 7 years. These words are my heart on paper and are pouring out. I do ...