The Book of Me

I did it again. I went to google looking for answers to my questions. There is an explanation for everything out there, but whether or not I believe one over the other is up for debate. I first watched a speech by a bereaved sibling at The Compassionate Friends conference in Orlando this week. It is an organization for people who have lost a child. It was an inspiring speech of how the death has ignited positive growth within individuals who embrace it. The overarching theme was that love lasts forever. The most impactful thing this young woman said was life is not measured by the number of years, worth or by what we do. It is simply the love we experience and how that love never goes away as it always in our hearts and connected to the memories of our loved ones. They live within our hearts so that they can continue living and experiencing everything we do. They only get the chance to experience through the eyes of so many others and not in a single, self-centred way we do in our bod...

July 26 I can't keep track of time. For some reason I have been stuck back in the middle of July but somehow time keeps moving forward.  Lately it's the little things that get me ... like having the last kind of ice cream Xavier ever ate. He wasn't well when he had it but he still enjoyed what he could of it.  No kid should ever have to have their last ice cream at 7 years old.  Then the sad thought that when Mackenzie comes home from a night at her grandparents that Xavier won't be coming home with her. He hasn't just been gone for a visit. He is gone forever.  July 27 How do you choose God what child will get cancer and die? If you have our lives planned our paths already laid out how do you pick... do you ask them before they come to earth? Do you give them a choice at time of death? I don't understand how such a loving God could allow so many children sick and die. I get that it is a much bigger picture and everything matters and is connecte...

I have attempted in making sense of what's in my mind, my heart, in writing recently with little success.  This skill I thought I had for perfectly pairing words to make beautiful lines of symmetry have become a multi-vehicle pileup on 401 near Woodstock.  Words and thoughts colliding with each other in every direction and spinning out of control only to come to rest in places not meant to be driven.  And as this mess inside my head ensues, it slows every other function of my body. Much like the ensuing traffic jam after the crash. But somewhere, somehow, life goes on and traffic flows on other roads much like the lives of those around me. I am stuck in this misery, but it's only on one highway - mine.  See I have already veered off in a direction and travelled much further than had intended when I started this drive. There has been a slow transformation happening within me since Xavier died. I did not realize it until recently reflecting on these changes i...