Monday, 12 June 2017

One Month ago I said goodbye

One month
Tomorrow will mark one month since you left us. It still feels like yesterday. I am having a harder time now accepting that you are gone. I looked at some pictures and video of you just one week before you died. I never would have guessed you would be gone 7 days later. You were happy. You looked good and we had moments of the old Xavier back. 
To think of those days makes it so hard to believe you were so sick that you would take your last breath so soon. To me you were still perfect and there was still hope for recovery or at least that you wouldn't get any worse. I miss you so much Xavier. Hearing your sweet voice only makes me cry more for you, miss you deeper and feel the hurt of the hole in my heart more. Our lives were so much better because of you. 
My selfishness wanted to keep you here no matter how many more surgeries, treatments and disabilities you had. You were still my sweet child I could snuggle and watch sleep at night. 
Now I kiss your urn and say goodnight to only a picture of you. 
But I know in my heart you would have stayed and fought if you could. I know deep down how much you wanted no more of the pain, the side effects and inability to be a normal kid. Keeping you here would have made our pain less but, would have made so much more for you. Especially if the doctors were right that it was the cancer that came back and not just the radiation necrosis we had so hoped would heal. 
Our 7 years together was full of so many ups and down but now the scales have tipped. You now have gone up ... up to a place so beautiful, so perfect and so amazing we can't even imagine. We are down... down here on Earth to grieve because we loved you so much. 
If only we could turn back time and rewrite the ending where there is no ending. 
It's not fair, it's not right I repeat over and over again. This hole in my heart is there to stay. But maybe,  just maybe this is a glimpse of the pain you held inside you as you grieved the life you were robbed of by this cancer. 
Some nights as I lay there crying I can almost feel you touch the top of my head and mess up my hair like you did to make me smile and stop crying. You never liked to see me cry unless we cried together. Those moments were so precious and I only wish you could be here to cry with me now. 


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